Attending the Woke Equivalent of Human Sacrifice on London Road

Brentford West councillor Guy Lambert reports back

Brentford West councillor Guy Lambert

October 18, 2024

On Friday I went to 50 London Road, the new building where the old Post Office depot used to be. This was for what is known as ‘topping out’ which is an ancient ceremony originated from Druids finishing building their cathedrals. The topping out involved selecting a local councillor and sacrificing him or her but a) I made all that up and b) if the tradition ever existed it does not today.

The developers provided coffee and ‘Danish Pastries’ which I imagine originated from Costco and with all such delicacies they are equivalent to a human sacrifice in our own modern woke way.

Nice views at the top, a reward going up 4 floors of stairs with limited banisters.

Our most hallowed and lovely Mayor caught in the very act of cutting the ribbon, after which we could walk around the roof unhindered.

On Saturday I went to Chiswick to do a bit of door knocking with Andy Slaughter (now their MP) and some chums from Chiswick and Hammersmith. We ‘did’ Fraser Street and Duke Road and had a much more friendly reception than it would have been a decade ago. Most people were appreciative and most quite happy though with the same sorts of grumbles we get in Brentford. One middle-aged man perambulating on what looked like a child’s scooter was hostile. He told me the Hounslow website claims that the first Labour meeting on this planet was held in Duke Road or nearby, which he told me was a wicked lie. He was very aerated about the matter and I started thinking of Druids but then he went on his way. According to the internet the first Labour meeting was at the Memorial Hall in London. Could be Chiswick but I would not be betting on it, even if I ever betted.

On Sunday we had our all Brentford surgery at the Digital Dock. For once, our customers were mainly from my ward: a delegation from Clifden Road who are worried about rat runners, Blue Badge filchers and the like. Fortunately Katherine, who is to blame for most of this, was one of the councillors present and I was able to defer the problem at her. Not really – there are things to be done to help which fall to me and I have been working with Katherine and others looking for longer term plans. Actually, only 4 of the Magnificent 7 Brentford councillors were in attendance. Marina was off on a family event. Emma called us to say she had a leak and couldn’t get a plumber. I gave her the details of the wonderful Jason of Villa Plumbing Brentford and he sorted her problem. And Balraj was not there either.

A woman told me of her woes with housing, where she has 3 smallish children and lives in a one bedroom flat on the third floor – no lift. She is getting worn out and I will be doing what I can to get her more suitable accommodation.

In the afternoon I began Key weekend. I had an Elephant bike which had been taking a parking space for some time. It was securely locked. So securely that I had lost the key to the lock. A friend who owns an angle grinder both dealt with the lock and allowed me to steal my own bike.

He then said he had a friend who might like it and away it went on his car roof, to new pastures out Isleworth way, where I understand it is seen as a useful addition to the local scene and the Elephant is enjoying grazing in the fields there.

This was the start of a weekend where keys were the key, broken ones, lost ones, replacements that I haven’t got yet, and negotiations with suppliers who provide replacements for the damaged single key I have for my car. I have finally agreed to pay £350 for a new key. Another quote was £550+VAT and the manufacturer would be more! When I were a lad I went to the local car accessory shop and get a new key cut for 65p. And people say we have had low inflation. I believe any respectable thief has an electronic device which allows him to enter and take away any car. I imagine that would be less than the probably not very secure key I am about to buy. But the trouble with old keys is that they were worryingly secure and would be a terrible hindrance for thieves, so had to be replaced. No money in metal keys and the electronic ones will contribute to our striving for growth.

On Monday I was supposed to go to a funeral of an old colleague in Bedfordshire but on Monday morning I was carless. Because the key wasn’t working. Eventually I resolved this by engineering genius. I took the bit of film off the battery which says don’t eat the battery. I made a solemn pledge to avoid eating batteries hereafter and wondered why the great Lord Duracell didn’t mention on the sticker it was a neat plan to remove it. My spies told me after that most of the people I would have hoped to see weren’t there either, so I suppose I should be grateful I saved the petrol.

Tuesday was a health day – podiatrist in Twickenham, X-ray in Hammersmith, Eye Boutique in Brentford. Manky feet, messed up shoulder, half blind – what a prime specimen. I think I am safe from being called up by the army.

In the evening it was the AGM of the Friends of Watermans Park. I called to the Brentford masses to start a Friends Group several years ago and I am so pleased people responded. They have made a big difference to the park and it is now beautiful and vibrant, full of people when it stops raining.

Good turnout in the Digital Dock and a brilliant talk on the history of Brentford from the always reliable Janet McNamara. Loved this picture but my attempt to catch it with my phone does not really do it justice.

On Wednesday it was the Hounslow assembly at the vacuum cleaner stadium formerly known as Brentford Community. I am not usually much an enthusiast for these kind of events but it was actually a decent show. The main event was a talk from Professor Lee Elliot Major who had a deprived childhood in Feltham but now has an OBE and is an academic in Exeter with an impressive reputation. Quite a life story. Social Mobility is his specialism and improving this is an important and very worthy ambition. For me, it’s important also to forget that those who cannot ‘better themselves’ also deserve a decent life – secure and good quality housing, enough income to thrive and to give their children a good start – whether they become a Professor or remain as a street cleaner. I’m a Socialist, and I want everyone who lives in our rich country to have a good life. I’m hoping we now have a government which agrees with this and works to bring this about.

One of the sessions I attended was about the Climate Emergency and things we can do to help with it. More distinguished speakers.

And a chance to look out over the hallowed turf.

On Thursday I was back in the health world, with my umpteenth visit to the Fracture Clinic at Charing Cross. Again we agreed to defer work on my dodgy shoulder which stops me from becoming the fast bowler that would improve England’s dominance on the cricket pitch. Next year, maybe.

One of the things I learnt on Wednesday is that Peddle My Wheels have sponsored a rental cargo bike which lives in Chiswick, maintained by Fudge’s the bike shop. I visited Fudge’s on my quest for replacement keys and found the cargo bike outside.

Might try it next time I want to take bulky waste to the tip. Might be fun, if a bit daunting!

That’ll have to do you this week. Another fascinating episode next week.

Councillor Guy Lambert